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End of Summer

3 Aug

Apparently it is already August, which greatly scares me because it means that the onset of winter is imminent.  I’ve been feeling lost lately, like I’m drifting aimlessly.  This is quite odd as this is the most established and secure that I’ve ever been in my life perhaps.  I’ve been at the same job for two years, and was just promoted.  I’ve been living in the same city (although definitely not that same address) for the same amount of time.  I live with Alan.  The first time ever that I’ve lived with a significant other (living in a frat house together for the summer doesn’t count I don’t think.)  And I have a wonderfully cute and needy puppy.  So why am I feeling so anxious?

It could be because Alan’s future is so unknown and I’m taking on his anxiety vicariously.  It could also be because I’m feeling stagnant intellectually.  While essentially waiting for Alan and I to finally be together, I watched so much TV and read so much garbage fiction to distract myself that I feel like my IQ has declined and is steadily dropping.  But now that he’s here, I feel sluggish and dumb.  Sort of like when people, “Ugh, I haven’t been to the gym in so long!  I feel gross!”  Well, that’s the way my mind feels because it hasn’t been put to work in awhile.  I have no one to blame for this but myself, which just compounds me feeling like crap.

In attempt to get out of this mental malaise I read a few pages of book about complex traumatic stress disorders.  But I fear that this is the first and last time that I’ll open the book.  Maybe I need to take a class or something.  I’ll look into night classes.  What’ve I got to lose?



25 Jun

Should I leave Portugal?

I’m at another crossroad in life.  While this is always stressful/scary/exciting, this one is especially exhausting because I feel like I’m making a major life decision every year.  A new country to move to.  A new language to learn.  A new visa to acquire.  A new apartment search.  A whole new feeling of loneliness and excitement at once.

And I’m exhausted.  It has all lost it’s sheen. I just want to be somewhere and stay put.  Do normal things … stay in one house for more than one year, not spend a week changing the addresses on my bank accounts and loans … not have multiple bank accounts, get a dog, not be afraid to get a boyfriend because I wouldn’t be leaving in a few months.  That may be the biggest one.  I know that I’m not old, 26 is still young.  But I know that I don’t want to be alone.  When I’m alone, I have no anchor and I feel like there is no point to anything I do.  Everything seems like a waste of time.  Obtaining degrees and being able to pay bills on time are not what really matter to me.  People are the most important thing in life, and I know I am not the exception to this rule.  So I want someone to share things with.  Someone to come home to.  Someone to be a constant in my life.

Something happy that I can take away from this?  I do know what I want.   It just isn’t something you can send a resume and cover letter to get.


19 May

Impromptu celebrations in the streets make me happy.

Two Northern Portuguese team making it to the Liga Europa final and then FC Porto winning  is also pretty fantastic.